considerations: snow day.

it snowed! friday night was a great snowy night and all day saturday, i was cozied up inside watching movies with my little sisters. i have two biological little sisters and two who i treat just the same. it was a great way to spend my day. we played around outside and such and had a grand old time! my mind took one of its longest breaks from reality to have fun in the snow with girls that i adore.

as much as i love snow, i also hate it. it's not a very entertaining thing once you get down to it. how long can you really stand to be outside when it's freezing and your toes are numb and your fingers can't feel? not very. so what do you do all day? you can't go anywhere because the roads are too icy, places are shut down, and there's not enough friends to see near you. i don't like the boredom. i don't like that uncertainty.

people who are close to me know that i think a whole hell of a lot. and i'm an extremely vulnerable person. and recently, my vulnerability has been at an all time high. i cannot, and will not, put myself out there anymore.

you see, i woke up this morning and saw in my email that i got a message from a girl, see the "gray" blog below for a photo, that i used to be extremely close friends with. i don't want to go into detail about what exactly happened, but i had to explain to her lots of things. and i know she's never going to believe those things that i've explained to her. i can't stop my heart from beating or my hands from shaking when i talk to her because i did things to mess with her head that i never should have done. i cannot put into words why i did what i did, as i keep explaining to her, but i did it because i wanted to make that same certain boy jealous. again. and i hurt not only myself in the process, but a girl who was one of my most cherished friends.

i lost her before i picked some other friends up. it was like i was exchanging, and i don't want to be exchanging. i want to be ever gaining. sometimes, i just feel like i should run away. or i should do off with myself because that would just make some people's lives so much simpler. i need a change of scenery. perhaps my mom will take the open position in hawaii. perhaps my dad will take the open position in houston. perhaps i shall move back to arizona and be with my family there. i don't know.

as for now, i continue to fight back the things that i honestly want to do to myself. i keep remembering what a very good friend said to me. "the world wouldn't be the same without you." and i continue to tell him thanks, even if it's not to his face. it helps a lot when you don't think that and then someone says it to you point blank. i appreciate friends like him more than anyone. thank you, thank you, thank you.