gray is a color, not a shade.

one of the hottest issues of the day is the one of homosexuality. i am an advocate of homosexual rights for many reasons. the main one, however: i am a bisexual. although i believe in God and all of his teachings, i cannot help the fact that i am attracted to both men and women. this is something that i have recently become outspoken about. i have been terrified of not belonging for the longest time, but now, i don't care what people think. i want to be true to myself.

my dad recently got home from iraq and is thinking of not going back. i really wish he would. this would help my whole situation so much more. you see, my dad is a very outspoken person when it comes to his thoughts on homosexuals. he believes that they should be put in a giant room and then bombed. this ideology makes me sick to my stomach. i constantly fight with him about how the gay way of life is completely natural. a person cannot simply decide to be gay. you are born that way and it doesn't change.

he and my uncle share the same thought on this. they believe that homosexuality is a life choice and that there is nothing biological about it. i get so frustrated when i try to explain the scientific evidence to them. and it's even harder knowing that i am a bisexual and i cannot say, "i didn't choose to be who i am. i just am." i already know what they would say to that, even if i had come out to them. "a faggot turns into a faggot. a baby can't be born a faggot." it makes me want to thrash myself against a wall hearing them speak in such a way.

i never took my mother for a homophobe. she'd always told my sisters and i to live our lives however we wanted. she said that she would always support us in every decision from the careers we chose to the people we marry. i asked her once what she would say if any of her daughters were lesbian. the simple reply: "don't talk about that. i don't want to even think about that." when i asked again, she said, "your father and i would disown you. you know how this is."

recently, i was in arizona with my mother and sisters. now, i've always known that my family would be unsupportive. they are rather conservative and religious and the like. the only people who really understand, who really care about how i feel, are my sisters. they are the only ones in my family who know of my true sexuality. we were all at a barbeque at my uncle's home and all of my cousins were over. my mother was talking to all of them about their children when my cousin felix brought up his daughter and dating. he said, "i told my son that he's allowed to date any girls that he wants. my daughter, on the other hand, isn't." my mom began to laugh and threw in, rather quickly, and right in front of me, "oh, my girls can't date girls either!" then they all laughed and made fun of 'faggots' as they call us.

i ran inside. i couldn't stand being out there with them speaking like that. all i could do was cry. and when my mother came back inside, all i could do was scream at her. "you need to be careful about what you say! i believe in gay rights and what you said was extremely offensive! you have always said that we could live however we wanted to live, now you're standing there, showing off in front of your family!" my mom could only say, "i don't know why she's mad. she's being dumb."

so, i went to the back room and cried. and slammed my head into a wall. and cried some more. then my aunt alisha, who is a very religious woman, came in and comforted me. she understands that all people are people and should be treated with respect, so i knew that she wouldn't ask me why the subject hit home so badly. i just continued to cry and i kept saying that my mom needs to realize that homosexuals are people too and need to be supported.

the only person who lives relatively close to me that i have told besides my sisters has been my aunt. and she thinks it's a stage i'm going through. but it's really not. all of my friends know and are incredibly supportive, but i just cannot help but want to tell my parents. then maybe they would listen to me when i talk about how we should have rights. maybe they would be more sympathetic. i don't know anymore.

i compare my sexuality to gray. some people call it a shade, but because it's a mix of black, a shade, and white, a tint...what is it? i say a color because it's right in between. it is the same with homosexuality. it is not a lifestyle choice, like the shade and tint, but a biological predetermined way of life, much like a color.

i did not choose to be the person i am. i am simply made that way.