i used to believe in love. now i'm philophobic.

i have been playing the same cat and mouse game with a stupid guy for two years. we met through a friend who attempted to hook us up and what ended up happening was exactly what she'd predicted: we dated. and in the short two months we were together, i found that i couldn't stand not being with him. i had to have him all the time. but at that stage in my life, i was so young and so innocent. as taylor swift says, when you're fifteen and someone tells you they love you, you're going to believe them. and unfortunately, after we broke up and i'd heard those words constantly, i thought it was true. i thought i was falling in love.

and for a few months, we didn't talk to one another. i had no interest in seeing him because every time i did, i fell back into those old habits. i fell back into his dangerous appeal and wanted him more and more. he was literally like a drug. and by the time he had gotten another girlfriend, i realized it was far too late for me to even attempt to be with him again. and for months, i neglected talking to him because it hurt me too badly to think about what he was saying to her that he could never say to me.

the next thing i knew, they had broken up and we were once again friends. i didn't know how to stop myself from thinking that there was another chance. we began to talk about things, deep things, that i had never really talked about with other people. in the two years since we had met, i had dated one other boy, lost my virginity, drove people away, cut myself, etc. and he understood. and he told me that i needed to trust more. and we had sex that night for the first time.

all at once, i felt like it was absolutely perfect. i felt like i had once again restored that sense of love that i had always gotten from him. but, the back and forth of our relationship began and we slowly drifted apart. he pushed me away just as quickly as he pulled me into his bed. he hated me just as quickly as he favored me. we would have many little parties in which he would kiss other girls, fool around with other girls, and so on. in retaliation, i slept with one of his best friends. fools do foolish things, as i now realize, looking back.

it was just so peculiar to me how he could get so jealous over me being with one other person while he frantically attacks many more girls with his kisses, with his advances, with his intoxicating touch. i would cry in the middle of the night, cuddled up next to the ghost of him, touching the empty space in my bed with my fingertips, searching for that sense of belonging. i felt all broken and bent out of shape, as i always had in the past with him. my only escape was writing and i knew that he would never bother himself with slinking around the words that i spit forth.

i have too many things to think about.
all the tears i cry can't drown it out.
this screaming voice in the back of my head...
it tells me to move on...
tells me to forget.

but i can't forget the fact that i love you.
or at least, i think i do.
and i can't forget what i'm doing to you
when i let him touch me.
and i let him kiss me.
when i let you touch her.
and i let you kiss her.

i want you to know exactly what's on my mind
but i can't tell you.
and i never will tell you.
because telling you will scare you away.
telling you won't make you stay.
or change your ways.
make you claim me as your own.

but i really do love you.
and i can't move past this.
i would literally tear my heart
right from my chest
if it meant that you'd love me back.
if it meant that you'd want it.
i would scream my lungs out
if it would show you i'm true.
i would yell and shout.
only saying that i love you.

i never used to believe in love
until i felt what i feel for you.
and because you will never return the favor,
i can only dream.
i can only cry.
i can only hurt.
and you'll never know why...
i get mad at you.
i hate you.
with every ounce of strength in me.

because you don't understand...