the execution of romance.

i am on a raging bloody path, carving it out among the ages, spreading my words like i was spreading christianity in the new world. i do not believe in the idea of romance! it is an utterly ridiculous way to try and live your life, being a devoted romantic, devoted to nothing more than a fleeting butterfly feeling you get. it is so stupid to assume that trying to sweep someone off their feet is going to work. that will never truly survive left on its own. the idea that you can just charm the pants off of anyone you want...it's ludicris. if romance was a person you could throw in the ocean, they would fail at swimming and drown.

if you can't tell, i'm not a very mooshy person. i like solidity. i don't like to be played. romance can get out of my life forever. girls my age strive for the oohs and awes that our friends throw back at us when we tell them something cute. i strive for what Freud called the id's satisfaction: i want to be physically fulfilled before i can even consider being mentally whole. yes, that sounds a bit hypocritical of me, especially since i want to be wanted in more than just a sexual way, but i do very much enjoy the satisfaction of guilt free bodily pleasure. when i find someone who fits my mold, and who can slip into the cracks that i leave in my walls, then i will want not just the physical, but the mental and the spiritual.

i was asked on a date for valentine's day. (ahem, single awareness day. excuse me for using the wrong term.) and i denied it. i shall not fall into that catagory of being taken on dates. plus, the kid is one of my best friends and i cherish just that. he wants to be more, constantly telling me about how he loves me and such. he told me once that "when (he) said (he) was crazy about me, (he) wasn't lying." i doubt that to the fullest of it's reaches, only because i constantly listen to how he talks to other girls, and i'm no different. i will not let him take me out to eat because of this. also, i do not like eating in front of people. it makes me very awkward.

and now onto a very much more ridiculous note:

i cannot, and will not, have feelings for my previously stated twenty-one year old casanova. i have officially screwed things up for me and him, and i refuse to try and bring it back out of the dirt. (this analogy: person buried alive. too much effort to pull them back out, even if it would be for the better.) trying to salvage what little relationship we could have had is not going to make me happy anymore. i hate getting drunk because it makes me say things that i never wanted to say. and i told him i liked him. and i told him i wanted him. and he got weird and hasn't hardly talked to me since. damnit. i did it again. fucked it all up for myself. (pardon the french.) plus, he just got out of a relationship with this girl that he dated for a year and four months.

A YEAR AND FOUR MONTHS.

i don't understand how people can have relationships that last that long. it is the most annoying thing to know that i'm competing with a girl who was with him and who he still wants. another add on: he compliments the hell out of people who aren't me. he will tell me he misses me and that i'm cute and such, but then he turns around and tells my best friend that she's gorgeous and has nice cleavage. yes, i shouldn't be mad about this, but i am. and i'm jealous. which i hate. he also told a girl, who is fifteen, by the way, that she was really chill and he liked her, a lot. and liked when she breathed in his ear. (all this happened while i was drunk and in the bathroom by myself trying not to cry my eyes out.) and then later he told me he wanted to make out with her! what is that?!

so, because i officially scared him away, i make a new vow: no dating. no liking. no wanting. period. i shall live my life by one simple rule.

i shall execute romance.

by way of guillotine, firing squad, gallows...rejection.

i pinky swear myself this. no more romance for melissa.