cue the blasphemy.

it has been a while since my last post and i must say...things have begun to change. and they're changing for the better, i assume, but i don't know for sure. my mind is still set on how pointless relationships are, and yet, i am in one myself.

his name is conner. and he's extremely young. fourteen, to be exact. and i'm eighteen. we are not breaking any laws: i've made sure of that.

we haven't been dating very long; almost a month. we've already pretty much passed all of his borderlines by having sex. yes, i took his virginity. and that has always been on my list of things to do, but recently, i feel like that was so very wrong of me. for some reason, i can't stand the attachment that came with taking his v card. i wanted to very badly, but i didn't want the unconditional attention he showers on me.

i'm not one for romance. we all know this by now. and conner is one of the most cheesy, romantic people i have ever met. i guess that comes with how young he is; he's not yet realized that all boys grow up to become assholes and not be sweethearts. that's the main problem in our relationship, i think. and he constantly apologizes for the things he says, but there's nothing to apologize for. he gets jealous easy and i think that's extremely cute, but still, it bothers me.

i feel like i'm a complete ass. i act like relationships are just not worth it. even when i'm in one. it's just that i can't stand the lovey-dovey stuff. he has such serious feelings for me, and he always voices them. it bothers me so bad because he's always telling me how perfect i am and how flawless i am and how happy i make him. he also always says that he never wants to let me go and he never wants to hurt me. i think it's really sweet of him and really great of him, but i can't readily voice that back.

as much as i want to say that i feel a hundred percent back to him as he does for me, i can't force myself. it just needs time to grow. i don't see us as a couple yet. i don't talk about him all the time, i don't think about him all the time, i don't dream about him ever. and it hurts to know that i don't feel the exact same. i see this going somewhere, i really do, but not as fast as he's making it go.

sometimes i wish he was just like all those other assholes that i gained feelings for. sleep with me and then not treat me as well as he treats me. i would thrive off of that; i always have. but i do like how conner is to me. i do like how he makes me feel like i'm a very perfect person.

i just don't want it voiced to me 24/7...

i don't know what i want.