my heart is still breaking.

i am not a good girlfriend and i never will be.

i hate that i cannot just break up with conner. i swear if i keep this back, then i'm going to explode. i want to be everything to him and i just can't help but realize that i never will be. why? because there is no such thing as true love. you cannot fall in love at fourteen. you can't even fall in love at eighteen. i can't keep letting him do this. i can't keep letting him believe that this is real.

i told him tonight on the phone that love doesn't exist. that it never will and it never has. and he just kept saying that it does. i'm to a breaking point. i told him that he doesn't love me. i told him that he can't. it's not possible. and i told him he deserves so much better.

my heart wants so badly to call out to him. i want so badly to feel the intensity that he feels. but i can't do it. i can't shake the awful feeling that this is going downhill like a flight that's lost all it's power. i am going to ruin him and turn him into the worst of things.

i'm on the brink of breaking his heart.

this stuff is terrfiying. and it's hurting my heart to even think about. i am not in love. i never will be because i refuse to believe that it will happen. i have never witnessed true love in my life. and sometimes, i cry at night and think of how miserable i am. and how absolutely alone i feel in the world, even when i have someone like conner constantly trying to be with me. i can't take this. i put too much effort into keeping him away.

dear God, thank you for making me the monster i am.