seahawks and soaring.

i have been accepted into UNCW. i also got into U of A, but i chose my home school over an out of state one, due to how damn expensive it is to not only move across country, but to attend. and plus, i have a few friends going to UNCW, so i won't be entirely alone. this fact makes me a little more happy in my quest.

recent occurances: conner and i are going to celebrate our one month tomorrow. i am slightly excited; we're going shopping at southpoint mall, which is my favorite place ever. i also dragged him to a party on friday night and he was not pleased. he didn't have any fun and complained the whole time. we left after being there for only an hour and i just felt so bad that i put him in that situation that i broke down and cried for a bit. he didn't understand why i felt so bad. i don't even understand. he came of his own free will.

i just feel like i'll never be good enough for anyone. and that i should just give up on relationships entirely because they're going to be the death of me. and to make matters worse, i'm tempted beyond any belief. why is it that when i'm single, no one ever comes on to me and then the minute i get into a relationship, my line is flooded with requests?

request one: kenny. he has been texting me constantly, trying to get me to hang out with him. he says stuff like "i'll stop you if our flirting begins to get hott and heavy." but i know that's a lie. he also says that he "wants to have me in bed one more time because you were the best i've ever had." talk about temptations. i have been fighting feelings for him for a while and i know now that i never really had feelings for him. but still. i'm sure my twenty-one year old casanova could light a fire under me again.

request two: aaron. he works with me at o'charley's. he's the to-go boy and he's really nice and stuff. aaron was really my first friend when i started working there and we would laugh and joke around with each other. i thought he was cute, and i'm sure he thought i was too because he was always looking at me. and recently, he's been kissing me on the forehead and hugging me all the time. it's awkward. he bumped my face today and almost kissed me. it was strange.

request three: chelsea. her and pedro broke up again. and now i'm wishing that i could have told her that i wanted to be with her sooner. but i'm not going to put myself into the drama that would come with her. so i kind of think i'm going to give up on that.

request four: nicole. the bus boy...well, girl...at o'charley's. i hosted with her one night and just felt a little connection. and it makes me happy to talk to her. she's butchy and extremely cute. i just want to smother her with kisses. but i'm not going to come on too strong; i have a boyfriend.

currently, i'm talking to conner on the phone. and he told me that he does love me...he thinks he does. the kid is fourteen. you can't fall in love when you're fourteen. i'm trying so hard not to break this off. i want to be with him. i really do. i've had two panic attacks since we started dating. and i'm still getting scared. and now he's saying that i'm going to try and change him and how he's against everything that i'm for. and it hurts my feelings to think that he could say this to me.

i just feel like if i don't break this off, he's going to end up doing something he regrets. and i care about him too much to let that happen to him.

God, please help me to not mess this up.