my heart rate's getting better.

photo credit: jordan deaton.

as the title says: my heart rate is getting better. i'm learning to take things a day at a time and whatever thoughts i'm feeling, i just need to stop fighting them and go with the flow. i regret the posts where i speak of temptations. i would have never acted upon any of those. conner lights up my world on a day to day basis. and when he doesn't, he is every shade of gray that brings happiness to my soul.

as far as the picture goes, i don't really have a reason to put it up. i thought the image was striking and so intense. i loved it too much not to put on my blog. and i do give full credit to my good friend jordan deaton for taking this amazing picture. it's so wonderful and it brings a smile to my face each time i see it. sometimes i forget how wonderful the people of the world are. if there was someone who was worthy of an award for being just so incredible, it would be jordan. he has so much love for the world and he takes care of his family because he will not be like his dad. the kid deserves the most amazing things in life and if i never see him again after high school, i just want him to know that i wish him the best.

now, back on the topic of discussion: my heart.

the worth of it, i believe, is skyrocketing. and after the shaky break period i took with conner, i'm back in this relationship and going at it for the gold. and i'm hoping that gold is something long term. i could see this going somewhere, i really could. can it survive a year away from one another? can it make it past this one year road block? i have never made it past two months. and let's hope that this is my reason to keep going.

i know that this relationship is good for me. before conner, i was on a fast track to a place i didn't want to be with a reputation i had no desire to have. the previous me didn't care for feelings. the previous me just wanted to get laid and to go about her life without feelings. new me, conner's me, is having dreams of a long life full of happiness...instead of a life ending before the age of twenty with drugs, sex, and alcohol.

but mind you, i'm not giving up everything that i adore. alcohol, for instance. i still like to go to parties, just not as often as i envisioned myself. another new obsession of mine is hookah bars. there's this great one in raleigh that i absolutely adore. it is so much fun. and i love taking new people there, because then i get to share the experience.

some things to look forward to: prom, hookah with helbert, graduation, beach trips, late nights, bonfires. summer twenty-ten, here i come. and you'll never guess what i'm bringing along.

romance.