the definition of love.

merriam-webster's dictionary defines love as: "strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties."

of course, that is just the open and closed version of what this word truly means. it's a strong way to describe a feeling, love is. it was an ideal that i thought could not exist in this modern world. i thought that the age of romance had long since disappeared, what with the whole free love movement coming in. it had evolved into a fairy tale status, which people longed to have so badly, but could hardly hope to achieve.

however, in the course of a few months, my childlike wanderings on love have reappeared. i cannot help that i have met someone who indeed challenged all of my beliefs on the subject. he has pushed me and pulled me to the point where i am about to burst out of this old shell. i want a new me, and i want to let go of all the things that made me old.

the first time i realized i loved him was in july. i had just dropped him off at his house and while driving back to my aunt's, i burst out into tears, yelling "i can't feel this! i can't!" but it was too late to convince myself otherwise. i was indeed in love. i cried for quite some time, but ended up turning to tears of joy. i was overwhelmed. i had never loved so purely...or so profoundly for that matter. he plagued my thoughts and my dreams. i was consumed. and i was happy.

the first time i actually told him came a day or two later. i couldn't contain this kind of information from him. it was a risky thing to do. half of me wanted to wait until i had put a whole country between us before i could tell him, but my other (and slightly louder) half told me that i had to speak up, before it was too late! so i told it to him, with trembling lips, that "if i think about it hard enough, i feel like i'm already in love with you." he smiled, sending terrified shivers through my body. every inch of me pulsed in disgust. how could i be so stupid?! he looked completely flabbergasted, and i was totally unprepared to not have him say it back. we parted ways that night and i, again, cried.

i couldn't face him the next day, forcing him to stand outside in the pouring rain while i tried to catch my breath. my whole mind was in a panic. he didn't love me back...there was no possible way. a girl like me deserved no love. i couldn't handle it. i nearly fainted from trouble breathing. and then, a breakthrough!

it was a close to my departure and we were standing by my car. i was staring into those gorgeous blue gray eyes of his. "i want to tell you something, but i don't think you'll say it back." he smiled at me when i said this to him. "maybe i will." he replied. then i said those three words. those three words that i was dying to say, but nearly killing myself over.

"i love you."

and he answered in the best way possible with the four words that i was dying to hear, that i was wrecking myself over. that i was crying about, and screaming about alone in the car at four o'clock in the morning.

"i love you too."

my god, my heart has never felt happier. so, how do i describe this love feeling?

it's when you wake up and every second of your world is dominated by their face. when you wonder how soon you will see them again, because every minute goes by so slowly when they're gone. it's knowing that someone else has your heart and not fearing that they're going to ruin it. when you find yourself thinking about the way their lips taste all day. if you can smell them on the air without even having to think about it. it's when you close your eyes, and you see their eyes staring right back at you. it's when you daydream about the next time you'll be in their arms. love is when you want to listen to their heartbeat, because it fits the empty spaces between yours. when you feel so connected that holding their hand makes tingles cover your whole body. if they can still give you butterflies with one glance. if they can still give you goosebumps with one touch. love is not being able to sleep because they aren't cuddled up next to you, even on a temper-pedic mattress.

i guess that's what love is, because it's what i'm feeling now.

i never want to let go.
i never want to change.

philophobia, i banish you. i execute my hate for romance.