for a moment, i'll believe.

today on tumblr, i had to write a letter to someone i hate. it brought back some pretty strong memories. i picked kevin, of course, because of all of his infinite horribleness to me. it was basically a big f-you, you used me, i hate your guts and am happy now, to his face. too bad he'll never see it. too bad he'll never fully know the extent to which i despise him. this sucks.

but i had a wonderful day today. all except the fact that i saw that asshole ryan holmes, who i need to beat the crap out of, it was a good day. ryan stole my blackberry a month or so ago, but i got it back. and i told him off, but he's a shit slinger and thinks he's badass. so he's trying to look cool; he needs to get his ass whooped by a girl to knock him into shape. and who better than me?

anyways, i hung out with scooter all day today. it was fabulous. we drove around, had lunch, went to the park and just talked. it was really nice to be with him, without shoes and in the grass near a pond. the shade was cooling, and the water was calm, but our connection has never been stronger. we relish in nature. it was truly incredible.

man, i really do love scooter. with all of my heart. but i keep thinking that something is going to happen to fuck this up. i keep thinking that i'm going to push. i've already started, and i can't help it. after we became official, i've been much more of a bitch than i ever have to him. i wish that i could just be nice and a good girlfriend, but, as i've said in the past, i'm just not. i'm terrified of this whole love thing.

what's a girl to do? i have no idea. it's like i'm up against a wall, a very secure, very much needed wall, but i just don't want to be cornered. i want to be free, and i live free even as scooter's girlfriend. i don't want to break up, that is the farthest thing from my mind. i just want him to fight harder. i don't feel like he's trying to keep me as much as i'm trying to push. i need that returning support.

i want him to grab me by the shoulders and stare into my eyes, yelling "i love you!" and i want him to sweep me off my feet like he's done so many times before. he gives off this intensity that i love to just be around and his presence makes me feel like my existence isn't pointless. but still, i need this assurance. i need this back up.

why am i so fucking stupid? i love this boy, but all i can think about is the potential for something bad to happen. maybe if i wasn't thinking so hard, this wouldn't be so difficult.

someone, scooter, please, anyone, scooter, fix me.