now we can see the warnings and the signs. read in between the lines like writing on the wall.

have you ever felt utterly and completely lost? honestly, that's how i feel. like, my whole goddamn world is coming down on me and i have no way to stop it. i feel like i'm not ready to be this person that my family wants me to be...

no one pushed me to arizona. no one told me that i had to come. but something, a long long time ago, urged me to return. return to the place i once knew. but that's just the funny thing. arizona doesn't feel like home. i feel like a stranger, walking through the halls of my family's home. i feel like i just don't belong here. what am i doing anymore? this is too much to handle. i just want to curl up in a ball and float off to some place farmiliar. i want to find some place safe.

maybe it's the fact that i know that this means the end of everything. the end of dependence. and i'm terrified to step out into the light from my little cave. what's so scary about the light? i haven't figured that part out yet, but all i know is that my mind gets all mixed up at my heart breaks when i get near to it. where am i going anymore? i don't know.

this place is just too foreign. my family is too disconnected. or maybe i'm just not connected enough. who knows? i just long for the companionship that i used to know. i long to feel needed. i long to feel wanted. i just don't know who i am anymore. when i was in north carolina, i was someone's best friend. i was someone's heartbreaker. i was someone's sister. i was someone's daughter. hell, i was someone's everything. here? what am i? the long lost family member, come back to the place she always thought would make her happy. i guess i still crave the security of life in the 919.

i just miss everything and everyone. i thought that by starting out in arizona, i would complete this grand adventure and i would find me. i would discover melissa. however, she's already found. she's someone who wants to be totally free, and totally fearless. unfortunately, with college looming as it is and my family trying to encourage me to get my degree and make something of myself, i can't totally approach this without worry.

my mom said that i'm her only hope. i'm the one who's supposed to go to college and really seriously make something of myself. caitlin wants to be in cosmetology. that's not good enough for the family. raina wants to be a pediatrician, but no one knows if she can really push herself to make that happen. so it comes down to me. do you know how much they really put on me? how much that pressure hurts? i just want it to come off my shoulders. i don't want to be in the spotlight. i don't like this. i hate this. i hate this place.

and my heart is attached to the east coast. as badly as i wanted to come back here and resew some seeds, i want to return to the coast that i know. i want to walk with my best friends in the world and work through the stupid problems that we all encounter. i want to see my family there and know that it is where i belong. i want to be with the boy that i'm so madly in love with that i can't think straight. god, do i want to be in his arms right now. it hurts knowing that i cannot do that. and it hurts being so in love with him, but not being able to be with him all the time.

i want to fill my heart with all the ways to say that i love you. that i love the world i came from. that i want to stay in love forever. and i want to let a thousand arrows pierce it out and show my family just how i feel. but i can't tell them that i don't feel the happiness i thought i would. i can't tell them that i think this whole thing is a mistake...

maybe i should just abandon what i thought i wanted in life and do the thing that would make me most happy. i want to travel the world in the back of an rv. i want to see things through the eyes of someone worry free. i don't want to be tied down to modern day society. if i have to go through every day, continuing to cry because i feel so lost, then i'm going to force myself to work through it.

unleash me.

this is why i'm going back to raleigh. i feel so alone here in this desert paradise. i've dropped out of school and i'm heading back home. my family is disappointed, i'm just one big disappointment. i feel like i'm never going to be truely happy until i head out and do my thing one day. i don't know. but hopefully, returning to raleigh will respark my happiness.