will this be the end of everything?

why do i do this? why can't i figure out which direction i want my life to be going? i see this hanging on, forever, i see me and scooter together. but every time my thoughts begin to process that i'm in love and that someone loves me back, my heart tinges with pain. and i can't keep this pain out of my chest. it's like i want to be around him, constantly soaking up his influence, but another part of me is begging to escape. and i'm terrified that i'm going to fuck this up because i know that's exactly where i'm going.

damnit. maybe i am better off alone. i don't want to think that i'm going to have to live my days by myself, but all that comes to my mind is the thought of not being able to be fully happy and fully comfortable.

is this really love, what i'm feeling? or am i trying to force it? is scooter the boy of my dreams, or do i still need to find him? i have no idea, but everything is so perfect with us that i couldn't imagine it being another way. maybe i'm not meant to be with a boy...maybe a girl, perhaps? no, i couldn't see me with a woman for the rest of my life.

but i have dreams that me and scooter are doing great things, discovering beauties that no one could even imagine. i want so badly to believe, but i don't think my opinion has changed much. i guess i just have this deep seated feeling that something is going to happen.

something is going to mess this up for me because i'm just not supposed to be this secure...am i?

please, give me a direction. God, if you're really out there, show me what i cannot see, please.