i hope this herbal tea puts me to sleep right.

i thought i had everything to live for...but i guess that this is how i'm going to feel every time i go into bipolar depression. it's different for everyone, so i'm led to believe. but i just wish it wasn't this bad. well, there are a few interesting things going on tonight in my mind, so i figured i'd write them out and get them off my damn chest.

i think i'm in love. honestly and truely. but i don't think i can keep myself content for some reason. i guess i'm just terrified that something is going to go wrong (namely with me) and that's why i'm trying to distance myself from scooter as much as possible. i keep postponing hanging out with him, and i've avoided talking to him pretty much all day. and i hate the feeling that every time i see him, i'm so busy thinking about what i'm going to do to wreck this that i can't fully enjoy our time together.

i'm back and forth with myself over being in love with him because of his age, i guess. i mean, there's nothing wrong with being almost two years apart in age. we're close enough in personas that we should click just fine. our maturity levels are the same, we have the same interests, the same mindsets, etc. but for some reason, i keep back tracking myself about what the future of our relationship holds. i have never had a boyfriend for longer than two months. i guess this is some kind of developmental thing, because ever since kevin, i can't do this...or i've convinced myself that i can't do this.

truth is, i'm not happy being in just one place right now. maybe it's the fact that i'm living out of a suitcase and sleeping on my eight year old cousin's bottom bunk...or maybe it's the fact that i still feel dependant on my family. i don't know. but whatever the reasoning, i'm not totally happy.

again, this could be the bipolar depression talking.

but right now, i keep staying up late. i need to change my sleeping patterns by waking myself up early tomorrow and forcing myself to sleep earlier. i don't know how i'm going to accomplish this, but it's definitely worth trying, right?

i feel like i should move to washington. arizona was interesting to live in, but again, i was trapped in the confines of my grandparents' house. if i moved to seattle, i would live with friends. if i moved out of my aunt's, i would want to move in with friends. i'm getting a job soon enough, so i'm going to ask around, see if people want another roommate.

i would love to be the lesbian-ish mom in a house full of guys. that would be totally kick ass. but i don't want to leave my boyfriend behind. unfortunately, i think that's what would happen...

indecision, indecision. love, losing, battles, herbal tea...

help me sleep.