into the future.

i have said over and over again how in love i am with scooter. but something in my heart is tingling me in a different direction. i guess that's just the way the mind of a philophobic works. i knew that this journey to this point would be this difficult, but i don't like how it continues on and i can't climb over the wall and find happiness.

i talked to my cousin toni, who is dating a woman, currently. she has been with her girlfriend for two years and loves taking care of her and loves being the bread winner. that's the kind of person i am. i don't want someone to cater to me, i want to cater to them. well, i thought i could have that, but as a girl who has a boyfriend, it looks like i'm supposed to be taken care of.

however, when i was with chelsea, i felt like i was the one who was going to take care of her. i was going to heal her broken heart. i was going to make her happy, forever. toni also analyzed my relationships with both scooter and chelsea.

she believes that i could be in love with both of them.

and now my mind is thinking and thinking and won't stop thinking. god, i have no idea what is going on anymore!

i pulled up to chelsea's work, taco bell, and saw her working drive thru. the moment my eyes laid themselves upon her, my stomach exploded with butterflies. i could hardly keep my smile back, my whole body tensed up but felt totally calm at the same time. my heart...it was beating like a fucking drum. and after i drove away, i was shaking all over.

i feel the same way often with scooter. does that mean that i'm in love with both of them?

i have no idea. i feel lost. i feel confused.

fucking help me. please.