Sometimes, Water is Thicker.

I have come to another realization. This one has long since been brewing in my mind, but I've never let it fully come to the surface. I guess it's mostly because I'm terrified of what it entails and what I'd be giving up by letting it impact me and letting it show me why I am the way I am. As most people know, I'm pretty much a happy person. But the truth is, I think about dying, a lot. Who I really am never seemed important because she's a dark and scary person. No one would love her. No one would want to talk to her. She was dismal, she was depressed. She wanted to die so desperately to escape a fate she saw inevitable. She is a pathetic, low down slut who cannot properly put herself back together without first falling apart once more. And even when she tries to bring herself to change, her heart is just too big to not care about everyone and everything going on around her. She can't understand why life is so hard, but she knows how to make it simple. She wants to live at total peace and learn how to truly love, but she can't because this dark force is holding her back. Who is this dark force? Her parents.

The two are a pathetic, lowsy match for one another. They're not even friends. They have no love in their eyes, they hardly speak and laugh. They yell and fight and never get along. They clash, catastrophically, and it's a horrible living situation. For twenty years, the two have been living in a broken home, forcing three girls to endure the mistakes that they continually make. Every single time the mother even makes a step towards a brighter direction, she turns around and stays stuck in the same old horrible little rut.

My parents aren't good at managing money. They still live like teenagers, wasting away their dollars on idiotic stuff and never putting it to good use. We have never owned a home or been caught up on bills. We have never had enough food to feed ourselves. Growing up in a place where you don't know whether or not you're going to eat all day is a terrible thing. Not knowing whether you're going to have electricity or water or a place to even stay is just as bad. But it was my reality for eighteen years. I don't need much to make me happy because of this and I'm so grateful, but at the same time, I look at my friends who say their lives have been hard, but they know nothing about difficult living situations.

They don't know what it's like to see your parents fighting all the time, and to know that your mother is terrified that she could be hit at any point. To never see them learn from their mistakes and argue over money and go into debt and things being repo-ed with some of your belongings still in them. To be afraid to talk to your parents on the phone, especially your mother, because you don't want her to ask you for money. To not want to even go near their home because you're afraid that they're going to be arguing or starving or without necessities. I lived in this hell for eighteen years. And I thought I had finally escaped it. But the memories are still lingering.

I want to totally detach myself from my family. Forget the whole world that I know and just go away, never turn back. Every time I have ever hurt myself, is because of them. Because I see my father strike fear into us. He's emotionally and financially and mentally abusive. He doesn't know when to stop. He blames his family for everything, even his children, for the mistakes he's made. And yet expects us to do whatever he wants and to love him unconditionally. Yes, he is my father and I love him, but no, I will never say that he is a good man. He is a horrible person.

My mother is a mouse. She lets him walk all over her. She's pathetic and broken because he made her that way. Marrying him was one of the biggest mistakes she could have made. She ruined her life by staying with him when this could have all been corrected. He's scum and he's rubbed off on her. Now, she's codependent and desperate and sad. I never want to be her. I never want to be anything like her. That's one good trait they showed me. I can be alone and still be happy, like I wish so many people in my life could say for themselves.

I am fucked up because of them. And I am just now admitting it. I've thought of killing myself because I'm so afraid that I'll end up like the two of them. Stuck in a life without love and without a secure feeling. Stuck with a house that they don't even own, the threat of eviction floating over my head every single day and night. The fear that I may not even have food at my house or if I do that it's expired. I'm so afraid to be them that I put myself to all these tests to be perfect. And then I curse myself when I come up short.

I think I shall estrange myself from my parents. I wish I could estrange myself from my life. I think it'll happen with my family though. The only people I have now are my friends and Scooter. He's one of the main reasons I would never kill myself. But he's also one of the main reasons why I'm so afraid to fall in love. He wants to go on that journey of self discovery for twenty years but I can't do it. I will just be living in my home situation all over again...broke, starving, afraid, no place to go, nothing to my name. I want him to change his mind so badly so that I can finally put my mind in the mode that things are going to be better for my future...

But I would never ask him to change. I would never ask him to be someone he's not because I do love him and I do want to be with him. I just want to be away from this place. Maybe I will run off with Scooter when he goes on his journey. I do not want to be my family. I wish I could curl up and sleep forever and never have to worry about the problems I could have as an adult. They've taught me all the wrong and never anything right. Like how it's okay not to pay your bills or to put your children through shit that no child should ever go through or to make your teenage daughter think that she can't even save up money in the house because your'e going to take it.

I hate my parents. Much more than anyone I could ever hate. This is why I want to better myself.