Out of Place.

I have a couple of updates. One, Caitlin and I are talking again. And I think things are going to go back to the way they are. It was funny that just yesterday I was depressed because I never thought she would ever want to talk to me again. And then today, bam...she unblocked me from facebook and began to talk to me like normal. I mean, at first it was a little awkward, like when you see a cousin you haven't seen in a few months and you're trying to talk to them. I don't know. It was just strange, but I'm super happy.

Also, I am not happy at all about Taylor and Flynn. Only because Flynn is being a total jackass to me. I don't want another one of Taylor's boyfriends to be a hater and I just want everything to be cool. But it's kind of hard to be okay with him when he insists on being an ass to me every single time I see him. Fuck Flynn. He's no good.

Now, onto my real predicament.

I have no idea what I'm thinking anymore. I keep feeling so strange, so out of place. I'm a third wheel best friend, I feel like nothing is stable, and I'm so head over heels for Scooter that it's pathetic. I mean, I am not used to being the friend who has a stable guy in her life. Who has someone to love and to be loved in return. My moods always depend on whether or not he talks to me. And when he doesn't talk to me, I get so pathetic and sad and whiny.

I feel like the annoying girl I promised myself I would never become. I am just absolutely crazy about him. But sometimes I get so angry and I blow up at him which makes me feel like a shitty girlfriend. I don't want to be that dramatic bitch who drives her boyfriend crazy. I don't want him to stop loving me when I flip my shit over little things. I have a short fuse. I'm bipolar. I really cannot help it. I need medication, I think, but I don't know if I will ever get it. I just want to live at total peace with myself. I never want confrontation, but it looks like that's all that I'm going to be starting.

Then again, Scooter is the one person who makes me feel better, no matter what. Even when I'm mad at him, I can't help but smile. I honestly have to fight the urge to grin whenever he comes up to me all sheepish to apologize for whatever it is that he did. Most of the time, it's something so small that we don't ever argue. I just get mad and he doesn't say a word. And when I'm being unreasonable, he says stuff to me and I just stay quiet as well. That's just how disagreements go with us and I love that.

But like I said, I feel strange. Like I'm not being myself. Maybe this is what I'm supposed to be like. I don't know. I'm just used to my friends being infatuated and the fact that now I'm the one with the real reason to be in love...freaks me out.

However, I'm so ready for this to continue.

Damn...am I ready for this.