Crying on the Floor

So tonight I started crying. It seemed like a good idea and then it turned out that it was. But at the same time, crying hurts. It makes me realize that I really am miserable and there really is no one I can talk to about it...There will always be people who tell me that I can come to them, but I know that if it's inconvenient, they won't want to listen. And I would never force anyone to listen to my problems. So why not write it out and get it off my mind while the tears are still fresh on my cheeks and my nose is still stuffed?

I feel unimportant. Overwhelmingly unimportant. Maybe it's because I just discovered I'm an atheist...or maybe it's because it's true. I'm battling depression; everyone knows that. I have this inkling that I do not come first in anyone's lives. Shouldn't I though? Shouldn't I matter to someone, anyone, as much as people matter to me? I would put anyone before myself...and I know how to prioritize. My boyfriend comes first. He is the number one. He is my best friend, my lover, he knows everything about me...even things I've been afraid to tell my best friends...

But I feel like I do not come first to him. I feel like I take the backseat to almost everyone, including one of my best friends, Taylor. But I'm saving her for a little bit later. Anyways...I feel like if I were to go to him and ask him to hang out but at the same time, someone else would ask, he would always choose them over me because we 'spend enough time together' or whatever his excuse would be...And it kills me to think that I find him so important but he finds me to be disposable. I hate feeling disposable. So many things in life are and I just want to be permanent. I want him to want me and I want to want him back equally, not me wanting and him not reciprocate. And I couldn't tell you if what I'm thinking is totally true or if I'm just upset and not thinking...but it's what I feel in this moment and I have to get it out.

And then my best friends...

Alex's boyfriend doesn't live in NC anymore, so she's more into hanging out, but I can guarantee I'm still not a top person to pick to see. She's always with Taylor. Maybe it's because Taylor is usually in the area, maybe not...I don't know. I just feel like the two of them, although bitchy when not around one another, really would rather hang out together than include me.

Taylor is a whole other story. It seems that anything with a penis is more important to her than her best friends. It could very well be the fact that she's seventeen...but I don't know. It just seems that she would drop everything, including being around Alex and I, for a chance to hang out with these guys that we really don't care for. They've done nothing but fuck me over and they've done nothing but make Alex upset...and yet Taylor still constantly wants to be around them. They're more important to her than us...than me mostly because I won't hang out with them. So Taylor already prefers them and I know that I can't change that.

I hate this feeling. I am totally alone and no one can make me feel better. I may call a lifeline and just talk because I need someone to hear this. I need someone other than a close friend's opinion. Help me?