Crying Again?

So I'm back to this, huh? Feeling like I don't belong any place that I put my foot down. Just when I started to get comfortable and really think that this apartment is like my home, I get thrown for a loop and realize that I hate it here just as much as I hate it anywhere. Why can't I just start fresh, away from these people who are suffocating my happiness? Why can't they just disappear, and never speak to me again, because that's what I'd like.

I've done too much soul searching to let myself slip out of happiness. I've gone inside my head and back and realized what a good person I can be if I just tried. And I did try. And I brought myself out of depression and into a whole new life. I'm a whole new person. If you were to meet me from this point and try to be my friend, you wouldn't even imagine that I wanted to die so badly that all I needed was someone to upset me just the right amount...

This whole past week and weekend, I spent completely away from my apartment. Why? Because I can't take it anymore. I can't take the drama. I'm not going to fight back anymore. Hell, I may not even talk anymore. I could just become a stone statue, completely unaware of anyone else's existence but my own. I have no idea what that would be like, but probably more peaceful than I can imagine. Being away from this place made me feel a lot happier. It's as if when I step into my apartment, I'm stepping back into the person that I used to be. And I hate it.

It's mostly because I'm stuck in the middle of a conflict I didn't even start. And I'm being bashed on because I used to be best friends with my roommate and she thinks that I basically forsook her for my boyfriend. She blames our loss of friendship on the fact that she won't trip with me and that she wants to sleep in and all this other drama...if only she knew the truth. I wouldn't be surprised if she read this blog, actually, because she tends to do that. So I won't be worried about having to explain it to her.

After I became an atheist, which I did on my own, I realized that my life was worth so much more than I was putting on it. It meant so much more to me to chase happiness and never look back, because before I died, I wanted to say that I didn't waste my life doing things that I didn't want to do. I wanted to write my own path, not follow the one society thinks I should have. Society was drowning me because I was trying to fit into this mold that I could never force myself into. When I came to this great conclusion, I also came to many others, including what was healthy for my life and what wasn't.

I had to cut out the drama, and to do that, I had to cut out her. It was the only way for my life to be one hundred percent my life. I choose to have the small number of friends I have because I know that even if I'm out in the world for twenty years, I could come back and talk to them. With her, it's always a maybe situation. She has a tendency of changing the person she pretends to be for each boy that comes along and sweeps her off her feet. It just so happens that I can't handle watching it anymore. I can't be friends with someone who isn't happy being themselves. I can't be friends with someone who claims to be happy, but I can see it all over her that she's not.

I can't be friends with someone who doesn't like my boyfriend or my friends, because they're the soul reason why I wanted to change in the first place. I can't be friends with someone who will text me huge messages trying to guilt trip me into apologizing or making amends. I can't be friends with someone who tries to walk all over me. It's the reason I don't like my aunt and it's the reason I don't like her anymore. I feel like she has constantly been in control of the things I do or say or think, even when I know that my true opinions are different. I walk on eggshells around her and I don't want to have to do that anymore. A person you have to monitor yourself around is not your best friend.

But it does hurt. It hurts a lot to know that she was the first person I knew in North Carolina. She was the first best friend I'd had in a very long time. She stood up for me and protected me when I needed it, but at the same time, neglected me when someone better came along. It's like she's my cousin, and now I'm just choosing friends over family. I've done it before; I have no notion that blood is thicker than water. Those people don't know me, and I don't know them. What matters is that she couldn't take my changing and my want to change, and she saw it as other people influencing me. I can be polite to her and I can be civil, but I don't have to talk to her. I don't have to look at her. Frankly, I'd just like to stay out of her way to avoid feeling awkward.

I just can't be friends anymore...