Still Not Religious

I still feel quite atheist, but I do, from time to time, imagine that I believe in something. I call it "god" and I consider it the universe. And this is weird, because I only do it when I think about all of the billions of lives that disappear from existence in the past and now. They just burn out and they are forgotten, almost. We're completely unaffected by the man across the world who is 88 and passed in his sleep. The world keeps turning. Even as family and friends go, you still must turn on. And one day, that is going to happen. You are going to become nothing. No one can prevent it, no one can stop it. One of my favorite lines of "What You Waiting For" by Gwen Stefani is "Born to blossom, bloom to perish". It's just so true. You grow into a beautiful person, you do things that you dream, that are incredible, you blossom. And then you've bloomed, just to die.

So sometimes when I'm driving and I'm thinking, and my mind rolls over how religion works, I get lost. How can anyone say that billions of people who don't believe one specific thing are doomed to eternal torture? We all do great things. Plenty of non-Christian people have done remarkable things, conquered amazing heights, changed the face of humanity forever. So why would they be forced to rot in a terrible place for all eternity? I just can't wrap my head around it. Do they not deserve a great peace, like the one offered to everyone who does fit your standards? Religion to me, honestly, just lacks true empathy and depth. I understand the utter comfort of thinking about an afterlife. Of "believing" if you will. But I don't fit the rules. I don't worship, I don't praise, I just live.

Does that mean I don't deserve anything? Or maybe it just doesn't exist at all...