Breathing Room

I'm messing it up. Ruining this potentially perfect relationship...and I know that I'm doing it and no matter how badly I want to stop, I can't. I won't until this is completely ruined. How fantastic that this would happen on my 20th birthday, right?

Truth is, I'm pushing. I'm trying to distance myself from him and he keeps saying it's just because we're both really busy right now, but I don't think that's it. Lately, I've felt like I've put in tons more effort than he has. I feel like my world revolves around him but I'm such a burden to be on his front burner. I can't imagine living without him; breaking up is not an option. But what am I supposed to do when my mind is telling me his feelings are dwindling and my heart is agreeing?

I'm going to stop constantly texting him. And I'm going to stop carpooling with him. My brain is on this track that states that if he really wants to be in contact with me, if I mean enough to him, he'll step up. I just don't think he's trying anymore...like I'm not important enough for him to even consider trying.

It breaks my heart that I've come to this point. I feel like this wouldn't be happening if he had just graduated early. I would only have to deal with this feeling of losing grip til January, then it would be over. But instead, I have to wait it out til June. But it appears that if this "rough patch" takes up that much time, I may lose it. I may force myself out of the relationship completely. That's the last thing I want to do, but it may happen...And I'm just preparing myself for that.