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merriam-webster's dictionary defines love as: "strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties."
of course, that is just the open and closed version of what this word truly means. it's a strong way to describe a feeling, love is. it was an ideal that i thought could not exist in this modern world. i thought that the age of romance had long since disappeared, what with the whole free love movement coming in. it had evolved into a fairy tale status, which people longed to have so badly, but could hardly hope to achieve.
however, in the course of a few months, my childlike wanderings on love have reappeared. i cannot help that i have met someone who indeed challenged all of my beliefs on the subject. he has pushed me and pulled me to the point where i am about to burst out of this old shell. i want a new me, and i want to let go of all the things that made me old.
the first time i realized i loved him was in july. i had just dropped him off at his house and while driving back to my aunt's, i burst out into tears, yelling "i can't feel this! i can't!" but it was too late to convince myself otherwise. i was indeed in love. i cried for quite some time, but ended up turning to tears of joy. i was overwhelmed. i had never loved so purely...or so profoundly for that matter. he plagued my thoughts and my dreams. i was consumed. and i was happy.
the first time i actually told him came a day or two later. i couldn't contain this kind of information from him. it was a risky thing to do. half of me wanted to wait until i had put a whole country between us before i could tell him, but my other (and slightly louder) half told me that i had to speak up, before it was too late! so i told it to him, with trembling lips, that "if i think about it hard enough, i feel like i'm already in love with you." he smiled, sending terrified shivers through my body. every inch of me pulsed in disgust. how could i be so stupid?! he looked completely flabbergasted, and i was totally unprepared to not have him say it back. we parted ways that night and i, again, cried.
i couldn't face him the next day, forcing him to stand outside in the pouring rain while i tried to catch my breath. my whole mind was in a panic. he didn't love me back...there was no possible way. a girl like me deserved no love. i couldn't handle it. i nearly fainted from trouble breathing. and then, a breakthrough!
it was a close to my departure and we were standing by my car. i was staring into those gorgeous blue gray eyes of his. "i want to tell you something, but i don't think you'll say it back." he smiled at me when i said this to him. "maybe i will." he replied. then i said those three words. those three words that i was dying to say, but nearly killing myself over.
"i love you."
and he answered in the best way possible with the four words that i was dying to hear, that i was wrecking myself over. that i was crying about, and screaming about alone in the car at four o'clock in the morning.
"i love you too."
my god, my heart has never felt happier. so, how do i describe this love feeling?
it's when you wake up and every second of your world is dominated by their face. when you wonder how soon you will see them again, because every minute goes by so slowly when they're gone. it's knowing that someone else has your heart and not fearing that they're going to ruin it. when you find yourself thinking about the way their lips taste all day. if you can smell them on the air without even having to think about it. it's when you close your eyes, and you see their eyes staring right back at you. it's when you daydream about the next time you'll be in their arms. love is when you want to listen to their heartbeat, because it fits the empty spaces between yours. when you feel so connected that holding their hand makes tingles cover your whole body. if they can still give you butterflies with one glance. if they can still give you goosebumps with one touch. love is not being able to sleep because they aren't cuddled up next to you, even on a temper-pedic mattress.
i guess that's what love is, because it's what i'm feeling now.
i never want to let go.
i never want to change.
philophobia, i banish you. i execute my hate for romance.
it's so true when i say...
that you are the light waking me in the day.
that you are the heart and the soul...
of the open road upon which you roll.
it's not a lie when i say...
you are the stars that greet me at the end of the day.
that you are the everything i'm craving...
when i'm used up and my heart is caving.
you are the thing i'm dreaming of...
the one thing that i know i love.
and even when i'm doubtful and confused...
you fight for me and you never lose.
so while i'm still telling the truth to you...
and while the whole picture is still in view...
just know that when i trace the stars in the sky...
i know that i could never lie...
it's the thing i've been dying for...
it's the thing the knights are in shining armour for...
it's the thing that the princess all cry for...
it's love, and it's what i want to live for.
why do i do this? why can't i figure out which direction i want my life to be going? i see this hanging on, forever, i see me and scooter together. but every time my thoughts begin to process that i'm in love and that someone loves me back, my heart tinges with pain. and i can't keep this pain out of my chest. it's like i want to be around him, constantly soaking up his influence, but another part of me is begging to escape. and i'm terrified that i'm going to fuck this up because i know that's exactly where i'm going.
damnit. maybe i am better off alone. i don't want to think that i'm going to have to live my days by myself, but all that comes to my mind is the thought of not being able to be fully happy and fully comfortable.
is this really love, what i'm feeling? or am i trying to force it? is scooter the boy of my dreams, or do i still need to find him? i have no idea, but everything is so perfect with us that i couldn't imagine it being another way. maybe i'm not meant to be with a boy...maybe a girl, perhaps? no, i couldn't see me with a woman for the rest of my life.
but i have dreams that me and scooter are doing great things, discovering beauties that no one could even imagine. i want so badly to believe, but i don't think my opinion has changed much. i guess i just have this deep seated feeling that something is going to happen.
something is going to mess this up for me because i'm just not supposed to be this secure...am i?
please, give me a direction. God, if you're really out there, show me what i cannot see, please.
today on tumblr, i had to write a letter to someone i hate. it brought back some pretty strong memories. i picked kevin, of course, because of all of his infinite horribleness to me. it was basically a big f-you, you used me, i hate your guts and am happy now, to his face. too bad he'll never see it. too bad he'll never fully know the extent to which i despise him. this sucks.
but i had a wonderful day today. all except the fact that i saw that asshole ryan holmes, who i need to beat the crap out of, it was a good day. ryan stole my blackberry a month or so ago, but i got it back. and i told him off, but he's a shit slinger and thinks he's badass. so he's trying to look cool; he needs to get his ass whooped by a girl to knock him into shape. and who better than me?
anyways, i hung out with scooter all day today. it was fabulous. we drove around, had lunch, went to the park and just talked. it was really nice to be with him, without shoes and in the grass near a pond. the shade was cooling, and the water was calm, but our connection has never been stronger. we relish in nature. it was truly incredible.
man, i really do love scooter. with all of my heart. but i keep thinking that something is going to happen to fuck this up. i keep thinking that i'm going to push. i've already started, and i can't help it. after we became official, i've been much more of a bitch than i ever have to him. i wish that i could just be nice and a good girlfriend, but, as i've said in the past, i'm just not. i'm terrified of this whole love thing.
what's a girl to do? i have no idea. it's like i'm up against a wall, a very secure, very much needed wall, but i just don't want to be cornered. i want to be free, and i live free even as scooter's girlfriend. i don't want to break up, that is the farthest thing from my mind. i just want him to fight harder. i don't feel like he's trying to keep me as much as i'm trying to push. i need that returning support.
i want him to grab me by the shoulders and stare into my eyes, yelling "i love you!" and i want him to sweep me off my feet like he's done so many times before. he gives off this intensity that i love to just be around and his presence makes me feel like my existence isn't pointless. but still, i need this assurance. i need this back up.
why am i so fucking stupid? i love this boy, but all i can think about is the potential for something bad to happen. maybe if i wasn't thinking so hard, this wouldn't be so difficult.
someone, scooter, please, anyone, scooter, fix me.
i thought i would have to wait forever for something to come along that was going to make me as happy as i have ever been. but, it seems that my ship has already come in and it's begging me to board. you see, love is something i found to be a long lost ideal, abandoned, able to leave easily.
but, believing in it was ultimately the best decision i have made so far in my life. it has made my heart feel like it's been soaring. every time i look at scooter, it beats faster and faster and my stomach gets butterflies. and the butterflies are becoming more and more frequent. i'm not used to this feeling, but it's incredible.
plus, my haircut is making me feel like a whole new person. i feel like that girl that you meet in a coffee shop, who dreams of one day making it big. i feel like that girl who is breaming with confidence and it's overwhelming to everyone around her. god, why didn't i go to short hair sooner? i've been hiding so much behind my lengths that i never realized how truly wonderful and free i could feel!
and yet, the house is still awkward to me. i still need to bust out of these oppressive walls. scooter wants me to go out into the wild like he did quite some time ago. he has resolved to coming with me, but without school or work, what am i to do all day while trekking around? it makes no sense. so i don't think that it's going to happen quite like that. i'll just wait for my apartment, thanks.
when i was a child,
i was taught many things.
dress like a lady,
act like a lady,
talk like a lady,
and follow your dreams.
when you were a child,
you were taught many things.
be tough, little boy.
be strong, little boy.
don't cry, little boy.
but follow your dreams.
and here on the twists and turns,
of a path that seemed so long,
i ran into you.
we were raised to believe,
that our dreams would be reached,
but reality was too hard to skew.
we abandoned ideals,
which seemed unconsequential at first.
reaching hard and long,
for something to quench our thirst.
a lust for adventure,
an ever roaming eye.
what you say is impressive,
what i give will not die.
don't let me push.
don't let me stray.
this is my dream.
keep it this way.
i won't let you fall.
i won't let you down.
you're mine forever.
because my dream i've found.i love making up poetry on the spot like that.
i have moved back to north carolina. unfortunately for me, as much as i want to be back, all of my friends are in school and i have no car. fortunately, i am here, where i want to be. and i have my incredible now boyfriend scooter and all of my friends around me, as well as my sisters and such.
but, the tirany within my own household has become even more obvious now that i'm back. what with my family frantically calling all of my friends to try and reach me and my dad being an intolerable ass right off the back, i don't know how much longer i can take living here. the bad news is, what happens when i move out? i have no car, still, but will be within walking distance of the mall and other surrounding areas where i can certainly get employment.
i seek to be free from this household of objection to living. my dad is a tyrant on another crazy spree. he has done everything from condemn my new haircut, which i love by the way, to complain about me dropping out of school. i told him that i missed him and he brushed it off like i haven't been gone for six weeks. i am absolutely tired of him and i just got home two hours ago.
i long to be free. can you please take me out of this hell hole? i need somewhere to feel relaxed and belonging. i love this place, but i hate my home. it is the ultimate hell to be locked within their four walls. i feel almost claustrophobic as i sit here and type, trying to piece together why this stupid drama already has to start. i had a wonderful reunion with three close friends and now my dad is stifling my happiness. i feel like i'm on the edge of a breakdown.
when i got off the plane at raleigh and came down the escalator, i saw scooter break through the crowd. it was like slow motion came over him as his smiling face filled my eyes. he was the only thing i saw and the only thing i cared to have in that moment. my whole body was trembling as i held him in my arms. scooter is the single most incredible thing that has ever happened to me, and i do not deny this.
as i was standing there, drenched in his presence, i was nearly in tears. my smile was so big that my face began to hurt, and my arms were wrapped around him ever so tightly. he gripped my back in a hold that i have missed too much for words and we laughed and held one another for what seemed like eternity. and when i finally pulled away, i was swept up in a reunion kiss that wasn't too passionate for public, but it wasn't too innocent either. he is absolutely incredible.
he took my hand as i went to say hi to mike, another good friend. it was so very loving and simple, and i had never expected it from him. he is too amazing. he even brought me flowers, a token of his affections. even though i said to him that he was an ass for bringing me these gorgeous deep purple daisies, i was overwhelmed with happiness. i felt butterflies springing into my stomach and my heart was dancing all around.
this has been one of the best decisions in my life. save the fact that i'm here in this horrible household with a father i cannot bear to be around for longer than five minutes. oh well.
my haircut is a way to branch off of these ties i have had. i'm going to be free, even if it kills me.
have you ever felt utterly and completely lost? honestly, that's how i feel. like, my whole goddamn world is coming down on me and i have no way to stop it. i feel like i'm not ready to be this person that my family wants me to be...
no one pushed me to arizona. no one told me that i had to come. but something, a long long time ago, urged me to return. return to the place i once knew. but that's just the funny thing. arizona doesn't feel like home. i feel like a stranger, walking through the halls of my family's home. i feel like i just don't belong here. what am i doing anymore? this is too much to handle. i just want to curl up in a ball and float off to some place farmiliar. i want to find some place safe.
maybe it's the fact that i know that this means the end of everything. the end of dependence. and i'm terrified to step out into the light from my little cave. what's so scary about the light? i haven't figured that part out yet, but all i know is that my mind gets all mixed up at my heart breaks when i get near to it. where am i going anymore? i don't know.
this place is just too foreign. my family is too disconnected. or maybe i'm just not connected enough. who knows? i just long for the companionship that i used to know. i long to feel needed. i long to feel wanted. i just don't know who i am anymore. when i was in north carolina, i was someone's best friend. i was someone's heartbreaker. i was someone's sister. i was someone's daughter. hell, i was someone's everything. here? what am i? the long lost family member, come back to the place she always thought would make her happy. i guess i still crave the security of life in the 919.
i just miss everything and everyone. i thought that by starting out in arizona, i would complete this grand adventure and i would find me. i would discover melissa. however, she's already found. she's someone who wants to be totally free, and totally fearless. unfortunately, with college looming as it is and my family trying to encourage me to get my degree and make something of myself, i can't totally approach this without worry.
my mom said that i'm her only hope. i'm the one who's supposed to go to college and really seriously make something of myself. caitlin wants to be in cosmetology. that's not good enough for the family. raina wants to be a pediatrician, but no one knows if she can really push herself to make that happen. so it comes down to me. do you know how much they really put on me? how much that pressure hurts? i just want it to come off my shoulders. i don't want to be in the spotlight. i don't like this. i hate this. i hate this place.
and my heart is attached to the east coast. as badly as i wanted to come back here and resew some seeds, i want to return to the coast that i know. i want to walk with my best friends in the world and work through the stupid problems that we all encounter. i want to see my family there and know that it is where i belong. i want to be with the boy that i'm so madly in love with that i can't think straight. god, do i want to be in his arms right now. it hurts knowing that i cannot do that. and it hurts being so in love with him, but not being able to be with him all the time.
i want to fill my heart with all the ways to say that i love you. that i love the world i came from. that i want to stay in love forever. and i want to let a thousand arrows pierce it out and show my family just how i feel. but i can't tell them that i don't feel the happiness i thought i would. i can't tell them that i think this whole thing is a mistake...
maybe i should just abandon what i thought i wanted in life and do the thing that would make me most happy. i want to travel the world in the back of an rv. i want to see things through the eyes of someone worry free. i don't want to be tied down to modern day society. if i have to go through every day, continuing to cry because i feel so lost, then i'm going to force myself to work through it.
unleash me.
this is why i'm going back to raleigh. i feel so alone here in this desert paradise. i've dropped out of school and i'm heading back home. my family is disappointed, i'm just one big disappointment. i feel like i'm never going to be truely happy until i head out and do my thing one day. i don't know. but hopefully, returning to raleigh will respark my happiness.
(the above picture has really nothing to do with this post. i just really liked it.)
i read somewhere in the vast reaches of interwebs that nightmares are simply doorways to your unconscious. if you sit down and analyze what is going on behind those nightmares that you have, you can find why you've had them. they're a realization of something playing on your conscious that you have to sort out. unfortunately for me, i just can't seem to figure out the reasons behind two recent nightmares. and it's not like these were months apart. let me tell you, before the move to arizona, i rarely had nightmares. now, they're coming one after the other. maybe it's this uneasy feeling i have here? i have no idea. but luckily for me, and my poor sleep deprived body, i'll be heading back to good old north carolina soon.
the first one happened on the night of august thirty-first. how do i remember this? i have it posted on facebook, that's how. anyways, in this nightmare, i was a litty girl whose family had just moved into this new house. it was a huge house, with a basement and attic and everything. now, a couple of days earlier, i had a dream that i was in a huge house with an attic and that's where my bedroom was. that one wasn't scary. but, that's a whole other thing.
anyways, i was in this big new house and wanted my bedroom to be in the basement. naturally, my parents had no problem with it because their room was on the first story; ground zero. so they tell me, "go down stairs and test out how well you'll be able to call to us if you need us in the middle of the night." so i, as a little kid eager to explore her room, happily did as they requested. but, as i opened the door to go down to the basement, an ominious feeling took over me. (you know when you start sweating because you feel nervous staring down into a dark space? that's what happened.)
so, i start walking down these stairs to find the light switch, but it doesn't work past the door. i tell my mom to turn on the lights, and she does, but the most that they illuminate are the stairs. i assume that all is well and trek onwards. once i get to the bottom of the stairs, i see this little girl with her back to me. i think i hear her crying, so i continue onwards. then, she whips her head around (kind of like in the exorcism movies) and just stares at me. i look to my right and there's this little creepy boy who's all contorted, coming straight towards me.
i immediately start screaming and running up the stairs, listening to their evil laughter trailing behind me. they were both saying something, but i can't remember exactly what. i woke up right after that, sweating and unable to move. it was absolutely too terriflying.
and now, last night.
it started out as a pleasant enough dream. i was with a bunch of friends in this dark part of town, so we were all obviously hanging out and having a good time at night. however, this night time part of town turned into this factory like place. it reminded me of the places where jigsaw kept his victims in "saw". actually, the whole dream reminded me of "saw", which is weird because i don't even like that movie. i saw the first one and said "this is stupid" then never watched it again.
back to the nightmare: this place is creepy as hell and there's these two doors seperated by a staircase. i don't know where these doors, or this staircase, lead to. so, i go up to the one door and open it and then go in. i don't think that i ever explored the place while i was dreaming, but i came out of the other door after what seemed like hours, all covered in blood and wearing a mask. (i assume the mask is kind of important?) and i'm panting and freaking out because i just almost died. plus, while i was in there, i came upon one of my friends, who wouldn't move. (also wearing a mask?)
i start freaking out and telling these companions that i don't recognize anymore about what just happened. they tell me that my friend is obviously dead. so, one of them enters the room. i can hear them screaming. my heart starts beating frantically, and i'm begging everyone else in that place not to go through those doors. i told them that there is something back there that tests your will to survive and if you go beyond those doors, you're not going to make it back like i did.
unfortunately for my unconscious self, no one listens to me. people start to show up, my friends, my family, even strangers with their children, and they're walking through these doors, even when i tell them not to. even a little girl with her horse walked through the doors. i'm screaming and my voice is going hoarse, i'm so upset. i can't stop crying (or sweating, for that matter) and i'm just hoping that someone listens to me.
then this lady comes up and says that she's going in. attached to her hand is her son, and he's like, two or three years old. he looks terrified, but she drags him along with determination. i fight with her, seriously trying to keep her from going in. but she insists and begins to push past me. now, i'm desperate and i fall to my knees trying to beg her to come back. by this point, real me is close to tears. i have only cried during serious dreams, but i forced myself to wake up once she walked through those doors because dream me couldn't even take it.
and then i'm left staring into the darkness of my room here at my grandmother's house. i'm absolutely shooken up from this dream that i can't go back to sleep. so now, i'm trying to figure out: what does it all mean?
oh nightmares...
