While my head's in the clouds...

I actually enjoy smoking weed by myself because it gives my brain time to think. And within this time to think, I have to process things without running them by anyone first. I think the break from other people's opinions is lovely and deeply calming. It's nice to know exactly how I feel sometimes. You know? To not care about anyone but yourself? But that also leads me to think of things that are going to make me even happier...

I can't wait to live on the west coast in a couple of years. I just want to be out of this state with its backwards drug laws. I hate living in constant fear that someone's going to call the cops on me. What's wrong with people that a little bit of weed has to make them hate everyone else? I just dislike how this part of the country is. The west coast is so much more open minded. So much more bohemian and loving and free. It's just ideal for me. So I can't wait. And I can't wait to get my medical marijuana card and go to college with my best friends. I don't care if I'm older than some of the people in my classes. There are plenty of people older than me going back to school. No shame in wanting an education, even if you wanted to try out the world for a little bit first!

Another thing I can't wait for? Being with my boyfriend forever. I can't wait til the day when we can come to our apartment and night and just be with each other for hours and hours. I adore his company. His scent, the way he holds me, the way he breathes. Everything about him is relaxing and perfect and wonderful. I take love very seriously. It's the reason that I want to wake up in the mornings and the reason why I try to work through days and days of nonsense. One day, I'll be with him all the time. Constantly in his company. Just the two of us, traveling around the world.

Goddamnit, I can't wait. I never thought my future would be this perfect. I was always dreaming of a flower child like life, caring for the world and actually making a difference...And I'm going to do that.

My life is excellent.

Crying Again?

So I'm back to this, huh? Feeling like I don't belong any place that I put my foot down. Just when I started to get comfortable and really think that this apartment is like my home, I get thrown for a loop and realize that I hate it here just as much as I hate it anywhere. Why can't I just start fresh, away from these people who are suffocating my happiness? Why can't they just disappear, and never speak to me again, because that's what I'd like.

I've done too much soul searching to let myself slip out of happiness. I've gone inside my head and back and realized what a good person I can be if I just tried. And I did try. And I brought myself out of depression and into a whole new life. I'm a whole new person. If you were to meet me from this point and try to be my friend, you wouldn't even imagine that I wanted to die so badly that all I needed was someone to upset me just the right amount...

This whole past week and weekend, I spent completely away from my apartment. Why? Because I can't take it anymore. I can't take the drama. I'm not going to fight back anymore. Hell, I may not even talk anymore. I could just become a stone statue, completely unaware of anyone else's existence but my own. I have no idea what that would be like, but probably more peaceful than I can imagine. Being away from this place made me feel a lot happier. It's as if when I step into my apartment, I'm stepping back into the person that I used to be. And I hate it.

It's mostly because I'm stuck in the middle of a conflict I didn't even start. And I'm being bashed on because I used to be best friends with my roommate and she thinks that I basically forsook her for my boyfriend. She blames our loss of friendship on the fact that she won't trip with me and that she wants to sleep in and all this other drama...if only she knew the truth. I wouldn't be surprised if she read this blog, actually, because she tends to do that. So I won't be worried about having to explain it to her.

After I became an atheist, which I did on my own, I realized that my life was worth so much more than I was putting on it. It meant so much more to me to chase happiness and never look back, because before I died, I wanted to say that I didn't waste my life doing things that I didn't want to do. I wanted to write my own path, not follow the one society thinks I should have. Society was drowning me because I was trying to fit into this mold that I could never force myself into. When I came to this great conclusion, I also came to many others, including what was healthy for my life and what wasn't.

I had to cut out the drama, and to do that, I had to cut out her. It was the only way for my life to be one hundred percent my life. I choose to have the small number of friends I have because I know that even if I'm out in the world for twenty years, I could come back and talk to them. With her, it's always a maybe situation. She has a tendency of changing the person she pretends to be for each boy that comes along and sweeps her off her feet. It just so happens that I can't handle watching it anymore. I can't be friends with someone who isn't happy being themselves. I can't be friends with someone who claims to be happy, but I can see it all over her that she's not.

I can't be friends with someone who doesn't like my boyfriend or my friends, because they're the soul reason why I wanted to change in the first place. I can't be friends with someone who will text me huge messages trying to guilt trip me into apologizing or making amends. I can't be friends with someone who tries to walk all over me. It's the reason I don't like my aunt and it's the reason I don't like her anymore. I feel like she has constantly been in control of the things I do or say or think, even when I know that my true opinions are different. I walk on eggshells around her and I don't want to have to do that anymore. A person you have to monitor yourself around is not your best friend.

But it does hurt. It hurts a lot to know that she was the first person I knew in North Carolina. She was the first best friend I'd had in a very long time. She stood up for me and protected me when I needed it, but at the same time, neglected me when someone better came along. It's like she's my cousin, and now I'm just choosing friends over family. I've done it before; I have no notion that blood is thicker than water. Those people don't know me, and I don't know them. What matters is that she couldn't take my changing and my want to change, and she saw it as other people influencing me. I can be polite to her and I can be civil, but I don't have to talk to her. I don't have to look at her. Frankly, I'd just like to stay out of her way to avoid feeling awkward.

I just can't be friends anymore...

Impossible to feel bad.

I find it increasingly impossible to feel bad for things I say and do. For my whole life, I've put other people before me and it has broken me down while building me up all at once. For so long I was everyone's doormat, just letting them mold me into whatever position they needed at that moment. But now, I'm more interested in pleasing myself than anyone else.

Pleasing myself, however, has brought about some things that I didn't know would happen. I've lost friends as if the black plague was wiping them out. I've lost family, I've lost jobs, I've lost myself entirely...but only to gain a newer, happier me.

But I won't apologize for the way I feel now. I won't apologize for the growing up that I did. I'm true to myself and I feel, for the first time in my entire life, like the person that I always wanted to be. I have few friends who I hold dear to me, I am finally comfortable with my sexual identity, and I have a soul mate...something I was certain I would never find.

I no longer feel like my life lacks a future. When I was thirteen, I could hardly see myself reaching the age of eighteen...then when eighteen came around, twenty was too far. I knew when I was eighteen that I wanted to kill myself. I just needed to figure out when and how. But ever since I delved deep into myself and cut the unhealthy parts of my life out, I have found that even a hundred years of living wouldn't be enough.

To be honest, I have no one to thank other than my boyfriend...I hate when people change themselves after they fall in love, but it does wonders to you. I was a different person overnight, all because I opened my heart up to the impossible. All because I no longer cared about popularity...Just me. He introduced me to the world of my own mind and from that, I gave birth to the person that I am now. I did the soul searching and it has brought me here. It has been a long, and incredibly painstaking, road. But I am so glad that I've come to the plateau.

And I wouldn't change my life or decisions at all.