First Kiss

We can all agree that first kisses are among the most important things a person will experience in their life. Well, sadly, I am in love but have very little recognition of the first kiss my boyfriend and I shared one sloppy drunk night back in March of 2010. It was over a year ago that I finally broke down and gave in to my wants for him. However, I did cheat on my boyfriend at the time...If you can all go backwards and find posts about Conner, you'll see what exactly was wrong with our relationship that drove me to this.

Alright, so, here's the back story.

I met Scooter during an ITS show at the end of the school year, 2009. He was a freshman, I was a junior. All of the girls were head over heels for him and it wasn't hard to see why. I mean, he was beautiful, and definitely not a beauty worthy of a freshman boy. I always denied it, but I secretly thought he was majorly attractive. I was really ticked when I found out how young he was. Also, he did make out with one of my good friends and she liked him a lot. I wasn't stepping into that territory. I was awkward and shy and not worthy of such a cute boy's friendship. I knew of him, met him slightly once, and never bothered to talk to him.

And I say I met him slightly once because Annalisa introduced us, but all I said was hello. And my goodness, did he have beautiful eyes? Ugh. Blue as the fucking sky, I swear. Wow, just...I was speechless. He was lovely.

Anyways, so we never talked, ever. And a year goes by and we're both doing ITS shows once again. Well, he was in a different show from me, like before. Good thing that this time, he wasn't a pirate with all this stage make up and I wasn't an old lady with all my ugly and awkwardness. So, it's the night of the show and I get panicky. It's the first time I'm in an actual major role, and I'm about to go on. However, my blood sugar dropped, literally. It bottomed out on me when I needed it to be strong. I was freaking out. I had to get a glucose tablet! But I didn't have any time to run back to the trailer to get one.

I started to freak, telling people that I needed someone to help me. No one was available. Then Scooter walked by and I literally grabbed him and ordered him to go get my bag. I told him exactly what it looked like and that if I didn't get it, I was going to pass out. He ran out there and then was back in an instant, I took a glucose tablet, and my blood sugar was raised enough to be strong. I gave him a hug as thanks, but when his hug was shitty, I made him do it again.

And thus...interaction. We did the shows and I oogled over him in the seats as he played his part of extremely nervous, extremely adorable mail man in love with a girl. It was amazingly awesome.

Anyways, we never really interacted much after that, until my friend Mike had a get together at his house. Everyone was going to be there. And by everyone, it included my sort of boyfriend (soon to be boyfriend) at that time. However, at this party, I couldn't help but flirt with pretty much everyone. Especially after Conner went home early. I flirted a bit with Cody Gates and he gave me his hoodie and all this other cute stuff. But when everyone went home and only a few stayed behind for a sleepover, that's when the real fun started.

I was interacting with Scooter a bit because everyone was talking in a group. I only knew a couple of people there, and then suddenly someone had the bright idea to have a 'man challenge'. Basically, we had to go skinny dipping in the freezing February weather. I was game for it, and was in fact the only girl who went with it. It was Mike, Scooter, Aubrey, Fernando, my best friend Randy, and I all skinny dipping at the pool. Well, the guys went first. Aubrey, Fernando, Scooter. Then no one else wanted to go. I was way too shy. But, I got the courage in the last couple of seconds and decided to do it. So, I hid behind a wall and undressed, then told all the guys to close their eyes.

"I'm not going to lie...I'm probably going to look," Scooter said. I was a bit hesitant after that, but Randy told me he'd make sure they weren't looking. Of course, I didn't mind it if Randy saw; we were really good friends. But anyone else...Oh no. I ran out of the little closed space I was hiding behind and got in the pool, did the whole challenge, and sat on the stairs. I was covering myself as best I could, because now everyone was watching. I ordered them to look away so I could get dressed, but no one did. (Guys...)

Then I ordered Aubrey to get my bra for me at least so I could prance over and get dressed. Scooter kept telling me to get out of the pool because I was going to get sick. I wasn't falling for that one. The rest of the night was just us having fun and eventually, everyone went to sleep on Mike's bed. Well, Randy tried cuddling up with me, and so did Scooter who actually laid across my chest and used my boobs as pillows. This irritated Randy, who's always kinda protective. Anyways, I ended up cuddling up with Scooter on my chest, scratching his back and biting his ear. It was all in good fun!

We then started to hang out on a regular basis. Everything was cool. I had a boyfriend, we were really just friends, we flirted, but that was it. Eventually, I decided to take him to a party with me. At this party, of course, I got fucked up. I planned on staying the night. Well, we both got to drinking and talking and flirting and being just all over each other. I dragged him outside with me and around a corner where no one could immediately see us. Then I told him I just wanted to talk for five minutes and I'd let him go.

Well, he got close to my face and I was backed up against this wall. We were really really getting into each other, staring each other down, biting our lips, etc. It was getting hot...Well, hot by drunk standards. Eventually, he cut me off and just went in for it. We made out briefly before he told me that we could go to the van for privacy. I knew what that meant and although it felt wrong, it felt so right. We disappeared to the van where of course, we both began to get naked to have some hot, horrible, drunk, regret filled sex.

But, we were interrupted when Mike and Alex came banging on the van. Mike had told Alex that he had seen us making out and because I had a boyfriend, he had to stop us. I felt totally disgusted and what I was doing and rushed away, eventually puking up all the alcohol and passing out on Alex's couch. I woke up the next morning without a single idea what had happened. Scooter was laying on the other end of the couch and woke up, looked at me and smiled. I just looked away in confusion. Later, I found out all about my mistake and I was regretting it deeply.

A couple days later, I apologized about everything and I eventually went on a break from Conner. Scooter and I had sex and when I got back with Conner, Scooter and I still hung out. We went to some chorus concert thing at a different school and ended up at the softball field, making out against the chain linked fence. It was a messy situation, sneaking around. But our kisses were never special until I fell for him.

I just kinda wish our first kiss had meant something to me. I wish it had been perfect. However, at the same time, I know that it wouldn't have been too great if I changed it. Things wouldn't be as perfect as they are if I went back and redid our kiss. I'm really happy at the way things turned out.

Why so much hate?

Why are people homophobic? I don't understand what is so bad about love. Why do you have to label everything as wrong or right? Labels are horrible. I hardly like to label my own sexuality, let alone anyone else's. But to say that because you're attracted to a certain person is disgusting or ill or whatever...it's sad. Why do people feel the need to attack someone because of how they feel on the inside? When we're children, we're taught to love ourselves no matter what and be kind to one another. Why is it that when we begin to grow, that dwindles to nothing? Those teachings are so precious and they used to be so installed, but it's horrible when they just go away like that.

Of course, there are many scenarios. One's parents may drill into them that one way is the only way. Other children may be allowed to express themselves freely and will be accepted regardless. I think it's all a matter of nurture. However, one is not turned gay. They are born that way. But I'm saving that argument for another time.

I'm worried now, actually, about homophobes. And this is covering the whole spectrum of sexualities, by the way. Why freak out about who someone wants to love? I'm going to tell you straight (no pun intended) that if you identify as a heterosexual, then sure, a homosexual may be attracted to you, but they will not chase after you. They will not force themselves upon you. No heterosexual should ever justify their arguments by saying that they will be raped or molested. Any sensible person would not do anything like that. And fyi, homosexuals are very much sensible people.

My father is a homophobe, actually. He is unaware of my sexual orientation, and I like it that way. During one of our many discussions on the topic (I enjoy debating with him, hoping I can change his mind in some ways), we talked about his friends. I asked, "What if a close friend of yours came out of the closet?" My dad was absolutely outraged by the question. To think that I actually considered one of his friends, his close friends at that, could be a homosexual?! To this, he told me that "I would stop hanging out with them. I don't want to get checked out every time I see him." And of course, there were some derogatory terms used, but I refuse to repeat them. I was appalled.

Just because your friend turns out gay doesn't mean that they're attracted to you. They could very well be, but they won't come right out and tell you. They are afraid of rejection by everyone and if you're one of their good friends, they aren't going to risk that. They're risking a lot already by simply coming out of the closet, but to full on admit that they have a thing for a straight person...that's just begging for trouble. I brought up the point that he may not even be attracted to my dad, to which you could see that I offended him. It's not like my dad's a bad looking guy, but I was trying to make a point.

I just don't get it. What is so disgusting about love where people have to protest our very existence? Why can't our society accept any and all peoples? It's like taking a step backwards. We did it once, the civil rights movement for the ethnicities, but now it's time to do it again for the sexualities. No one voted on straight marriage, and honestly, gay actions have been around for centuries. They may not be married, but they have been together, they have been committed, they've been partners just as long as there have been weddings.

Homophobia is a disgusting trend and it needs to stop. I feel like I didn't get all of what I wanted to say out here. I'll have to contemplate it further and come back and write some more. In the meantime, I'm going to fantasize about women and such. Just to piss you homophobes off.

Out of Place.

I have a couple of updates. One, Caitlin and I are talking again. And I think things are going to go back to the way they are. It was funny that just yesterday I was depressed because I never thought she would ever want to talk to me again. And then today, bam...she unblocked me from facebook and began to talk to me like normal. I mean, at first it was a little awkward, like when you see a cousin you haven't seen in a few months and you're trying to talk to them. I don't know. It was just strange, but I'm super happy.

Also, I am not happy at all about Taylor and Flynn. Only because Flynn is being a total jackass to me. I don't want another one of Taylor's boyfriends to be a hater and I just want everything to be cool. But it's kind of hard to be okay with him when he insists on being an ass to me every single time I see him. Fuck Flynn. He's no good.

Now, onto my real predicament.

I have no idea what I'm thinking anymore. I keep feeling so strange, so out of place. I'm a third wheel best friend, I feel like nothing is stable, and I'm so head over heels for Scooter that it's pathetic. I mean, I am not used to being the friend who has a stable guy in her life. Who has someone to love and to be loved in return. My moods always depend on whether or not he talks to me. And when he doesn't talk to me, I get so pathetic and sad and whiny.

I feel like the annoying girl I promised myself I would never become. I am just absolutely crazy about him. But sometimes I get so angry and I blow up at him which makes me feel like a shitty girlfriend. I don't want to be that dramatic bitch who drives her boyfriend crazy. I don't want him to stop loving me when I flip my shit over little things. I have a short fuse. I'm bipolar. I really cannot help it. I need medication, I think, but I don't know if I will ever get it. I just want to live at total peace with myself. I never want confrontation, but it looks like that's all that I'm going to be starting.

Then again, Scooter is the one person who makes me feel better, no matter what. Even when I'm mad at him, I can't help but smile. I honestly have to fight the urge to grin whenever he comes up to me all sheepish to apologize for whatever it is that he did. Most of the time, it's something so small that we don't ever argue. I just get mad and he doesn't say a word. And when I'm being unreasonable, he says stuff to me and I just stay quiet as well. That's just how disagreements go with us and I love that.

But like I said, I feel strange. Like I'm not being myself. Maybe this is what I'm supposed to be like. I don't know. I'm just used to my friends being infatuated and the fact that now I'm the one with the real reason to be in love...freaks me out.

However, I'm so ready for this to continue.

Damn...am I ready for this.

The Rainbow Gathering

I am anticipating July more than I have in a long time. I mean, I have been excited about it because of the roadtrip, but now I think we have come to a common agreement to go to the Rainbow Gathering. What is that, you ask? Well, I can sum it up as best as I can from what I have read and re-read.

The Rainbow Gathering is a huge modern hippie fest, dating back to the 1970s. It's a beautiful experience, from what I have gathered. Once at this festival, which lasts from July 1-7 in a different National park each year, you meet up to 20,000 people from all different backgrounds and trades. Some are nomads, others are college kids like me who just want to explore, some are family, others have come from generations of Rainbow people. It's a beautiful, heart touching experience.

At this gathering, there is basically a mini town of tents and buses set up. They have everything from child care to medicinal tents. There are no leaders and no authority and everyone looks out for everyone else.

I think I'm going to make a lot of jewelry, or some shirts or something to trade for things at Rainbow. Because it's non-profit, the exchange or services or goods for money is not allowed. So, people trade services and goods for other services and goods. I think that by bringing say, lots of chocolate or other candies and also trading beautiful pieces of art, I can definitely do some good at this place. It's just a totally out of body kind of thing.

To just be one with this group of people, which is a huge point at Rainbow. I'm pretty sure that it's calling my name. I'm a sucker for anything related to hippies and the 1960s culture. It's just amazing how this kind of thing can bring together so many different people for one common goal: world peace and nature and harmony.

Rainbow just seems like an intense, spiritual, amazing experience. People put it down as this nasty hippie fest, but I mean, look at the incredible things to gain from it. You meet so many incredible people and you can learn crafts and dance and sing and love and be one with the whole throbbing heartbeat of the earth and all its people.

I need to be there. Washington, here I come. I want to be in touch with my inner flower child.