considerations: snow day.

it snowed! friday night was a great snowy night and all day saturday, i was cozied up inside watching movies with my little sisters. i have two biological little sisters and two who i treat just the same. it was a great way to spend my day. we played around outside and such and had a grand old time! my mind took one of its longest breaks from reality to have fun in the snow with girls that i adore.

as much as i love snow, i also hate it. it's not a very entertaining thing once you get down to it. how long can you really stand to be outside when it's freezing and your toes are numb and your fingers can't feel? not very. so what do you do all day? you can't go anywhere because the roads are too icy, places are shut down, and there's not enough friends to see near you. i don't like the boredom. i don't like that uncertainty.

people who are close to me know that i think a whole hell of a lot. and i'm an extremely vulnerable person. and recently, my vulnerability has been at an all time high. i cannot, and will not, put myself out there anymore.

you see, i woke up this morning and saw in my email that i got a message from a girl, see the "gray" blog below for a photo, that i used to be extremely close friends with. i don't want to go into detail about what exactly happened, but i had to explain to her lots of things. and i know she's never going to believe those things that i've explained to her. i can't stop my heart from beating or my hands from shaking when i talk to her because i did things to mess with her head that i never should have done. i cannot put into words why i did what i did, as i keep explaining to her, but i did it because i wanted to make that same certain boy jealous. again. and i hurt not only myself in the process, but a girl who was one of my most cherished friends.

i lost her before i picked some other friends up. it was like i was exchanging, and i don't want to be exchanging. i want to be ever gaining. sometimes, i just feel like i should run away. or i should do off with myself because that would just make some people's lives so much simpler. i need a change of scenery. perhaps my mom will take the open position in hawaii. perhaps my dad will take the open position in houston. perhaps i shall move back to arizona and be with my family there. i don't know.

as for now, i continue to fight back the things that i honestly want to do to myself. i keep remembering what a very good friend said to me. "the world wouldn't be the same without you." and i continue to tell him thanks, even if it's not to his face. it helps a lot when you don't think that and then someone says it to you point blank. i appreciate friends like him more than anyone. thank you, thank you, thank you.

single awareness day!

as everyone knows, valentine's day is fast approaching. i am slightly nervous of what this day will bring. should i just stay home and watch movies or should i go out with friends? should i bring people cards or cupcakes or what? i am still unsure.

last year, i simply went to the movies with two of my friends. the guy that was in our three person date group brought me a flower, which made me awkward, since i don't normally get those kind of gifts. i appreciate his effort to make me feel better about how i'm all single and such while most of my friends were in relationships. however, i do not like presents. so i had no choice but to just say thank you and pretend like it didn't bother me.

and now, it has occured to me that i really don't like valentine's day anymore. it's a day where all the single people of the world are pretty much announcing, "hey, world, i'm single. be aware." let's all just rename valentine's day single awareness day. (thanks to tyler bowie for the idea.)

you see, all of my friends have relationships...or they pretty much all do. my best friend taylor has been dating her boyfriend for almost a year. same with my other best friend alex. cindy has been with her boyfriend since freshmen year basically, and i'm sure annalisa is not having a hard time finding someone to occupy her time. even my guy friends are all in relationships! randy has stephanie, eric has jessica, kendall has krista, and so on. so what am i to do?

not conform! although, i will admit that i am slightly interested in a twenty-one year old that i have recently become friends with. he's really, really nice and extremely cute...but he's also three years older than me and my parents are not going to approve. so, i do not say that i have anymore than a mild interest, a crush, on him. and it's true. and he knows that i don't date. and it's not a problem.

so, happy (early) single awareness day to all!

gray is a color, not a shade.

one of the hottest issues of the day is the one of homosexuality. i am an advocate of homosexual rights for many reasons. the main one, however: i am a bisexual. although i believe in God and all of his teachings, i cannot help the fact that i am attracted to both men and women. this is something that i have recently become outspoken about. i have been terrified of not belonging for the longest time, but now, i don't care what people think. i want to be true to myself.

my dad recently got home from iraq and is thinking of not going back. i really wish he would. this would help my whole situation so much more. you see, my dad is a very outspoken person when it comes to his thoughts on homosexuals. he believes that they should be put in a giant room and then bombed. this ideology makes me sick to my stomach. i constantly fight with him about how the gay way of life is completely natural. a person cannot simply decide to be gay. you are born that way and it doesn't change.

he and my uncle share the same thought on this. they believe that homosexuality is a life choice and that there is nothing biological about it. i get so frustrated when i try to explain the scientific evidence to them. and it's even harder knowing that i am a bisexual and i cannot say, "i didn't choose to be who i am. i just am." i already know what they would say to that, even if i had come out to them. "a faggot turns into a faggot. a baby can't be born a faggot." it makes me want to thrash myself against a wall hearing them speak in such a way.

i never took my mother for a homophobe. she'd always told my sisters and i to live our lives however we wanted. she said that she would always support us in every decision from the careers we chose to the people we marry. i asked her once what she would say if any of her daughters were lesbian. the simple reply: "don't talk about that. i don't want to even think about that." when i asked again, she said, "your father and i would disown you. you know how this is."

recently, i was in arizona with my mother and sisters. now, i've always known that my family would be unsupportive. they are rather conservative and religious and the like. the only people who really understand, who really care about how i feel, are my sisters. they are the only ones in my family who know of my true sexuality. we were all at a barbeque at my uncle's home and all of my cousins were over. my mother was talking to all of them about their children when my cousin felix brought up his daughter and dating. he said, "i told my son that he's allowed to date any girls that he wants. my daughter, on the other hand, isn't." my mom began to laugh and threw in, rather quickly, and right in front of me, "oh, my girls can't date girls either!" then they all laughed and made fun of 'faggots' as they call us.

i ran inside. i couldn't stand being out there with them speaking like that. all i could do was cry. and when my mother came back inside, all i could do was scream at her. "you need to be careful about what you say! i believe in gay rights and what you said was extremely offensive! you have always said that we could live however we wanted to live, now you're standing there, showing off in front of your family!" my mom could only say, "i don't know why she's mad. she's being dumb."

so, i went to the back room and cried. and slammed my head into a wall. and cried some more. then my aunt alisha, who is a very religious woman, came in and comforted me. she understands that all people are people and should be treated with respect, so i knew that she wouldn't ask me why the subject hit home so badly. i just continued to cry and i kept saying that my mom needs to realize that homosexuals are people too and need to be supported.

the only person who lives relatively close to me that i have told besides my sisters has been my aunt. and she thinks it's a stage i'm going through. but it's really not. all of my friends know and are incredibly supportive, but i just cannot help but want to tell my parents. then maybe they would listen to me when i talk about how we should have rights. maybe they would be more sympathetic. i don't know anymore.

i compare my sexuality to gray. some people call it a shade, but because it's a mix of black, a shade, and white, a tint...what is it? i say a color because it's right in between. it is the same with homosexuality. it is not a lifestyle choice, like the shade and tint, but a biological predetermined way of life, much like a color.

i did not choose to be the person i am. i am simply made that way.

i used to believe in love. now i'm philophobic.

i have been playing the same cat and mouse game with a stupid guy for two years. we met through a friend who attempted to hook us up and what ended up happening was exactly what she'd predicted: we dated. and in the short two months we were together, i found that i couldn't stand not being with him. i had to have him all the time. but at that stage in my life, i was so young and so innocent. as taylor swift says, when you're fifteen and someone tells you they love you, you're going to believe them. and unfortunately, after we broke up and i'd heard those words constantly, i thought it was true. i thought i was falling in love.

and for a few months, we didn't talk to one another. i had no interest in seeing him because every time i did, i fell back into those old habits. i fell back into his dangerous appeal and wanted him more and more. he was literally like a drug. and by the time he had gotten another girlfriend, i realized it was far too late for me to even attempt to be with him again. and for months, i neglected talking to him because it hurt me too badly to think about what he was saying to her that he could never say to me.

the next thing i knew, they had broken up and we were once again friends. i didn't know how to stop myself from thinking that there was another chance. we began to talk about things, deep things, that i had never really talked about with other people. in the two years since we had met, i had dated one other boy, lost my virginity, drove people away, cut myself, etc. and he understood. and he told me that i needed to trust more. and we had sex that night for the first time.

all at once, i felt like it was absolutely perfect. i felt like i had once again restored that sense of love that i had always gotten from him. but, the back and forth of our relationship began and we slowly drifted apart. he pushed me away just as quickly as he pulled me into his bed. he hated me just as quickly as he favored me. we would have many little parties in which he would kiss other girls, fool around with other girls, and so on. in retaliation, i slept with one of his best friends. fools do foolish things, as i now realize, looking back.

it was just so peculiar to me how he could get so jealous over me being with one other person while he frantically attacks many more girls with his kisses, with his advances, with his intoxicating touch. i would cry in the middle of the night, cuddled up next to the ghost of him, touching the empty space in my bed with my fingertips, searching for that sense of belonging. i felt all broken and bent out of shape, as i always had in the past with him. my only escape was writing and i knew that he would never bother himself with slinking around the words that i spit forth.

i have too many things to think about.
all the tears i cry can't drown it out.
this screaming voice in the back of my head...
it tells me to move on...
tells me to forget.

but i can't forget the fact that i love you.
or at least, i think i do.
and i can't forget what i'm doing to you
when i let him touch me.
and i let him kiss me.
when i let you touch her.
and i let you kiss her.

i want you to know exactly what's on my mind
but i can't tell you.
and i never will tell you.
because telling you will scare you away.
telling you won't make you stay.
or change your ways.
make you claim me as your own.

but i really do love you.
and i can't move past this.
i would literally tear my heart
right from my chest
if it meant that you'd love me back.
if it meant that you'd want it.
i would scream my lungs out
if it would show you i'm true.
i would yell and shout.
only saying that i love you.

i never used to believe in love
until i felt what i feel for you.
and because you will never return the favor,
i can only dream.
i can only cry.
i can only hurt.
and you'll never know why...
i get mad at you.
i hate you.
with every ounce of strength in me.

because you don't understand...